


Galloping Abs

by chronicallyNaughty (chronicallyHaughty)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-19 14:17:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13706199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chronicallyHaughty/pseuds/chronicallyNaughty
Summary: “Spongy love-mountains,” Dick whispers fondly.“God fuckingdamn it!” Jason howls.———In which Dick enjoys romance novels and Jason does not.





	Galloping Abs

**Author's Note:**

> At the first mention of “Hilda” you can, if you so wish, start [this](http://chronicallyhaughty.tumblr.com/post/162126980074/) audio.

It is, in fact, a dark and stormy night. Jason had been unlucky enough to be on the patrol schedule for the night, and he’s bringing what feels like ten litres of rainwater with him into the apartment he currently shares with Dick. They’re sharing because of a recent, minor incident occurring in Jason’s safe house, leaving it uninhabitable for the foreseeable future. Bombs had a tendency to do that, when they were set off in your living quarters. It turned out to just have been some small fry trying to make it big by taking out the Red Hood. Jason had disabused them of that particular notion right away, but had felt it might be a good idea to change his usual stomping grounds.

Jason hadn’t been hurt in the explosion simply because he hadn’t been present. He had been at Dick’s apartment at the time, and has ended up staying out of sheer convenience. Since he was already there, and had some stuff at the place, and all. Yeah, that’s why. It sure has nothing to do with the lazy morning sex he is now practically guaranteed every day.

He smiles to himself as he unlocks the hatch and drops down into the empty apartment adjacent to the one Dick lives in, bought out by him and now used as a small cave away from the Cave. It’s a pretty sweet arrangement, to be honest.

The batbucks furnish a lavish safe house with all the best toys, and Jason’s finding himself growing used to the neat gadgets, not to mention waking up with a warm body clinging to him. He had initially worried that living together would put them at odds more often, but so far the greatest issue has been Dick’s tendency to drop whatever clothes he's taking off where he stands instead of putting them in the hamper. They’re working on it.

Now, however, Jason is inclined to do the same if it will expedite his getting out of the soggy Red Hood getup. He manages to resist that temptation and walks into the apartment proper with his suit hung up to dry and himself in only boxers. He’s hoping to find aforementioned warm body somewhere close by, because patrol had been uneventful and miserable, enough so that Batman had let them all head home early. Jason wants cuddles, damn it.

Dick isn’t in the bedroom so Jason moves along toward the living room, where he’s met by a most horrific sight. Dick’s bare feet stick out over the arm of the couch, peeking out enough that Jason spots them even before he turns the corner, and that much is normal and acceptable. So are the sweatpants clinging rather enticingly to Dick’s crotch area, and any other night Jason would love to take advantage of the half-chub he spies in there, but his hands. Oh god, his hands. In them is something that pings _wrong_ so strongly to Jason’s sensibilities that he nearly turns on his heel then and there. He fights the urge, and stays.

Dick is so enraptured by what he’s holding that he doesn’t seem to have noticed Jason standing there. He’s biting his lip as his eyes rake across the pages, and usually Jason would find this hopelessly alluring, but. _But._

_Rough and Ready,_ proclaims the front of the book. Sandra Hill seems to be the “name” of the author. Positioned with his khaki-clad legs behind the title, a shirtless, muscular man is making his way towards you, the potential reader. His eyes are eerily intent… _on his prey?_ Jason decides at once that this guy is not to be trusted.

“Why,” is all he manages.

“Gah!” Dick fumbles the book in his surprise, eyes wide as he catches it just before it hits him in the face. “Jason! I, uh. It’s still early, isn’t it? I didn’t hear you come in.”

He’s looking shifty as fuck, avoiding prolonged eye contact, and with good reason. Jason hasn’t actually browsed the bookshelves in the living room, occupied as he has been with Dick’s _everything,_ but now his eyes flit over there unconsciously before he realises that no, he really doesn’t want to deal with that right now. Instead he merely stares at Dick, waiting him out. Predictably, he cracks soon enough.

“It’s called _literature,_ Jason.” Dick manages to pull something like haughtiness into his tone, even with the damning evidence on display. Jason has to admire his acting. “You should try it sometime.”

Jason gives him _A Look,_ making Dick wince. Jason averages one book per week, excuse you, Richard.

“Look,” Jason says. “Just explain to me why you’re reading that. Like, I don’t really wanna call it drivel, all genres fill their purpose et cetera, but somehow I didn’t expect this from you.”

“It’s predictable, okay?” It’s hard to tell with Dick’s brown skin, but Jason thinks he’s actually blushing a little. Huh. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Dick blush with his clothes still on. “They follow a formula and there’s always a happy ending with a wedding, and sometimes I just want a happy ending, _Jason.”_

Jason shakes off the sudden image of a beaming Dick waiting for him by the altar and focuses on feeling a bit contrite. It’s true enough that with all the suffering they witness, a little fictional happiness can go a long way to soothe you. Jason would know. He decides to drop the subject and instead try to get Dick into bed early for a nice cuddle… after one last question.

“And _that?”_ he says, pointedly flicking his eyes down to the outline of Dick’s dick through his sweatpants. Dick goes even redder, but then… his face breaks into a grin. He clears his throat and flicks the book open with a flourish. Jason instinctively takes a few steps back, a sudden dread in his heart.

“‘Hilda found herself guided toward her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfilment.’”

“What the fuck,” Jason whispers, feeling what he could only describe as terrified awe.

“‘Hilda clutched at the bed sheets with lust and ecstasy in her hands. Her spongy love-mountains hurled to and fro at each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.’”

“You- you’re making this up. It doesn’t actually say that!” Jason sputters, but Dick ignores his protest and continues to read out loud, grin growing wider.

“‘Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s.’”

_“No!”_

“‘He pumped in all of his hot, pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with _so many_ orgasms!’”

Jason makes an anguished noise as Dick seems to skip a paragraph or so. It’s like a car crash. Jason can’t for the life of him look away. Dick clears his throat, taking his voice up an octave to mimic the woman in the book.

_“‘Torolf,_ she said softly. _There is something I have to tell you._ But her bed was empty. Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.’”

“Take a long, hard listen at mine,” Jason chokes out, regaining enough of his wits to spin on his heel and leave the room. Dick, the laughing bastard, can stay in the living room with his awful literature for all Jason cares. And if he has nightmares tonight he’s gonna blame Dick. And Sandra Hill.

—————

Jason doesn’t have any bad dreams to blame Dick’s shitty book for, and waking up the next morning with Dick’s hair in his mouth makes him feel as tender and gooey inside as it always does. No one is perfect, after all, not even Dick Grayson. But he’s close enough to it that Jason sometimes doesn’t know why he’s slumming it with a mook like him. He tells Dick as much, and gets a laugh and a kiss on the nose for his trouble.

That night they’re all gathered in the cave to prepare to break up a particularly undesirable alliance between Penguin and Two-Face, and Bruce is monologuing about the plan, outlining everyone's positions and movements. It’s a pretty full house tonight, and they’re clustered around a digital table featuring the layout of the building where the villains’ meeting is going to be held.

Dick is pressing up against Jason more than is strictly speaking necessary, even with how crowded things are, and Jason is basking a little in the affection. As Bruce starts arguing with Kate about her point of entry, Jason brushes a kiss to Dick’s temple. He’s keeping an eye on the discussion, but… _boyfriend._ Dick makes a happy noise and tightens his arm around Jason’s waist, leaning up as if to whisper something into his ear. Jason obligingly tilts his head down to make it easier for Dick to reach.

“Spongy love-mountains,” Dick whispers fondly.

“God fucking _damn it!”_ Jason howls, shoving a laughing Dick away from him and into a bewildered Duke.

—————

In spite of the _distractions,_ Bruce gets the plan to a state where he’s satisfied, and they head out. Once they get to the warehouse, readying to strike, everything predictably goes to shit. Just as Oswald and Harvey are sitting down to start talking, Batgirl shouts in surprise a second before Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn drive a small truck through the wall. All hell breaks loose as the women rush out of the car in the confusion, and plants and henchmen start flying every which way. Jason exchanges an exasperated look with Batwoman before jumping right in with the rest of the family to knock some skulls together.

The fight spreads out, and Jason manages to draw Harley outside with Nightwing’s help, slowly wearing her down.

“Fight her off with your undulating midsection, Hood!” Dick hollers and Jason is just. So incredibly done. He would’ve thought this was what rock bottom felt like, but no; Harley chooses this moment to light up like someone just told her that her favorite store is having a sale on black and red fabrics as she swings her oversized mallet at him, delightedly yelling:

“Oh, I _love_ Sandra Hill!”

For just a split second Jason considers letting her hit him. To let the strike free him from his mortal coil, and simultaneously take him away from everything that makes up his current situation. He doesn’t, of course, instead he dodges and follows up with a kick, taking advantage of the momentum. It connects, hitting her hard enough that she loses her grip on the mallet as she goes flying. Robin swoops in and gets her in a pair of heavy duty handcuffs before she has time to gather herself.

Jason finds Dick’s eyes through his domino, and by the way Dick’s shit-eating grin grows ever larger he assumes he can tell Jason is glaring behind his helmet.

“Look sharp, boys,” comes through the comms, and under the direction of Oracle they dive back into the fray.

Eventually they manage to round up all of the bad guys, and as they’re lined up in cuffs to await the arrival of the authorities under the scrutiny of Black Bat and Red Robin, Jason gets on his bike and starts heading back toward the apartment.

Halfway there the comm crackles to life in his ear.

“Uh, Hood?” Dick sounds genuinely bewildered, bless him. “Didn’t you forget something?”

“Nope,” Jason says, popping the P. He grins as the silence drags on, no beep signifying that Dick has hung up on him yet. He can just picture his face…

“I hate you,” Dick says vehemently as the realization must sink in that Jason has, in fact, ditched him.

Jason is laughing so hard he almost misses it when Dick cuts the connection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course Harley reads Harlequin romance novels. Of _course_ she does.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has a tumblr post [here](http://chronicallyhaughty.tumblr.com/post/170983413434/).
> 
> [Writing Tumblr](http://chronicallyhaughty.tumblr.com/) | [Main Tumblr](http://nattvingen.tumblr.com/) | [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/Feloss)


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